if i could turn back time.......i would.

a good day to me is one where i avoid static shock, how about you?

 

hello and wtf?  im a sad case of a person, or a guy to be exact, i have a g/f that i like a lot, but some things about her make me not want her.  am i an ass for that?  i wont say what things are bad but the good outweighs the bad, so i should be happy right?  i just dont know......

i would never cheat on someone i was dating, i have once and it really wasnt my fault, ie the girl just kissed me in the middle of some hallway on senior trip a long time ago, ya not my fault.  but anyway back to the topic, i would never cheat, but even if i wanted to i couldnt break up with her.  and lately ive met people and they are just friends i made that clear, but one of them just seems like a better match for me, style, music, movie taste, food, etc etc.  we have a lot more in common than my g/f, dont get me wrong, her and i have a lot in common to, but this other person....we just have more. i pray this is just some stupid phase at the beggining of this relationship, a phase where im a guy and im just scared of long term commitment, but idk.

soooooooooooo on to other crap.  jobs going well, i still enjoy it after 2 1/2 months, so thats good.  ive been kinda talking to some old friends recently, thats good to. 

hum dee dum, im just going to talk to myself here, so feel free to stop reading to anyone who does. 

sometimes i wonder why people change, i know what they experience is a main factor, but it only changes you just under the surface, at least for me. inside i know im the same guy i used to be (in high school) im just older with a lot of diff experiences under my belt now, metaphorically speaking and sadly litterally.  from partying everynight last year while living in beaverton, and basically being an all around player at that time, to now where i have a 3 month old son and i just recently quit the rave scene.  ive done and been through a lot in the last three years.  a couple weeks ago i was talking to a friend from high school, he said to me "ya know john? its funny how after ive been in college for three years i can see that you have experienced more than any of us, i thought id see a lot and stuff, but you take the cake"  i thought about that for awhile and realized its true, had i had my shit together back then i could have gone to college, i wouldnt have a son, i wouldnt have 11 girls under my belt that i hang my head at when i think about it and only 4 meant something to me.  i never would have gotten into the rave scene then the drug scene, i have tried weed, shrooms, coke and extacy.  none of which i recomend.  but i do thank these experiences for one thing, they have taken my writing to a whole new level, half the songs ive written since i graduated wouldnt have happened had i not experienced this stuff.  even tho my son was adopted by a family in salem and i dont get to be there and raise him, protect him, and teach him, i still love him more than anything.  i have only truely cried over three things in my life.  i cried when my best friend died, i cried when laura broke up with me, and i cried the night i left the hospital and ryan wasnt with me. 

i know theres no use wishing things could be diff, but hey sometimes its nice to daydream.

sigh, as i was saying about the g/f i have now.  and the reason ive never had a long term relationship since highschool.......honestly......its because i doubt everygirl i date, i doubt them when they say they really like me, i doubt them when they say im such a great guy, i doubt everything they say thats good, as do a lot of people when they hear all that from someone they really loved, that dumps them, im not blaming that person, its really my fault for the way i handled myself after we broke up, how i let it all get to me, i was young then, and i didnt realize it was just a speedbump in the road of love and life, back then i thought my world should just end, i thought that for a long time actually, then i moved out of gaston to beaverton, talk about a shock, we'd have parties and damn, we'd have 20 diff girls there, all of them being attractive.  so i gave in to primal feelings and decided that if one girl could be like that they all were, for 6 months i viewed girls as a conquest, no longer were they people.  i used a few, actually liked a few. it got out of control.  by the time i realized what i had become i couldnt stop myself, it was a game.  but finally i stopped, i just gave up, one night i got drunk and slept with someone id gone to highschool with, in a litteral sense i was taken advantage of, considering id drank so much i could barely stand, barely move, i was taken to a room and...well ya, the next day i just gave up and said fuck it.  i didnt date or see another girl for months. 

 

this is like a confession for me.  idk i'll write more later.

 

posted by: heartofstone at 02:23 | link | comments (3) |

so i havnt written in a little while, but ive decided that this site will be my main one for non lyrical content.
i will add songs in after, but this will mainly be my release and venting place, and feel free to comment.
whether it be good or bad, curse those who write badly tho ;).

so ive been working a lot, talking to a few people from high school again, tho one of them is rather bitchy to me.
she still holds a grudge against me for some crap that i dont even remember back  when we dated for a week, oh well.  and i thought girls matured faster, lol

i might get to hang with ron a rory here in a week or two, that makes me happy, maybe robbie to?  lol who knows? 

i saw ryan a few weeks ago, that kid is getting big, 2 months old and he already wears 3-4 month clothing, and he eats like a champ to, seemed like he was eating every ten min, great, im going to have a chunky son, lol.  the adoption parents are really nice, chris and heather, they have a daughter named emma, she is only 1 and she is one of the funniest kids i have ever met.  hopefully i get to see him again soon.  well i guess i'll leave you all now, but heres a song i wrote for ryan, maybe he will get to read it someday in the distant future.

"I'll be here"

i cant help feeling this/
feeling of depression/
it's more than that/
it's an expression/
an exstention of my mind/
hurts too bad to describe/
with just words, and sometimes/
i cant handle thinking/
i gave you away/
i could have stepped in/
stopped it all/
inside of my head this voice is screaming/
my hearts turnd its back/
signing those papers was like a slap, in the face/
i cant help seeing myself as anything but a disgrace/

Chorus:
i cant take back what i did/
i'll never know how it could have been/
had i not picked up that pen/
but just know/
i'll be here anytime i can/
and even if i cant/
i'll drop everything/
even if its only to watch you play/
i just dont want you to feel any pain/
i'll love you long after my dying day/

i want you to know/
i didnt know/
you were a shock to me/
but i never even thought of/
backing out of this resposibility/
and dont blame your mother/
she did the best she could/
with what she was givin/
i dont blame her for not tellin/
me that you were comin/
all you need to know/
is that your my son an/
i'll love you no matter what/
even if papers say your no longer mine/
i want to see paper stop blood from matching/
and in reality those papers mean nothing/
your still ours/
in reality your mothers signature means nothing/
legally/
if these words live on, and you read them/
someday when your old enough/
maybe then you can understand what i mean/

i cry everyday/
and even tho i only see you once a month/
i love you so much/
when i hold you it's almost too much/
i pray to god this is all a bad dream/
and that i'll wake up to you here with me/
but everydays the same/
i wake up, im with someone new/
she's the best i ever knew/
dont ever think mommy hated daddy/
we just never saw eye to eye/
we just didnt get along/
and then you came along/
we both love you/
i cant say it enough/
but i know as you grow up/
you wont listen to any bad thing/
anybody tells you/
you'll be stubborn just like your mother/
and i know you'll be tough/
nobody can push you around/
you'll get that from me/
i just hope in time that you see/
we did all that we could/
and we love you/
no one can take that from you/

Chorus:

posted by: heartofstone at 20:43 | link | comments (3) |